CHANCELLOR’S SPEECH AGPU 2012
Mr GM, esteemed guests and hashers.
Let me start by placing squarely before you the perilous low-alcohol environment facing the Yorkshire hash.
Most European hashes are free-falling into sobriety caused by a chronic lack of ability to handle their drink.
We, in Yorkshire, will do whatever it takes to protect us from this Perrier, J2O and Soft Southern Drink crisis while we build the foundations of future inebriation.
The YH3 Mismanagement coalition has already introduced several initiatives to protect hashers’ interests. These include:
- A permanent subsidy for extra wine at every AGPU dinner;
- Vetoing Higgins’ attempts to offload cheap Belgian beer onto Yorkshire hashers.
- Approving Highland Spirit (or HS2) – YH3’s second direct pipeline to Scottish distilleries, sponsored by Hoggy.
Nonetheless, if hashes such as Glasgow, Herts and the Isle of Wight are succumbing to temperance, it may prove almost impossible to avoid the same fate here.
In response, I have instructed the OBR – the Office for Beer Responsibility – to add a further 20,000 pints of beer to its programme of quantitative boozing. The project will be overseen by Lord Wheels of Headingley-Cum-Halton.
There is a suggestion from some that if you lay more trails, you get more down-downs. All right-minded hashers agree that this is something-for-nothing hashonomics.
And the Hash should know the risks that we would be running.
Just a five per cent rise in Lick it Up’s down-down rate would add £10 to YH3 Subs every year. The same applies to subsidies for events, transport and On Inn food.
To offset such costs, the RA’s consultative committee has resolved that Rambo and Lick it Up will pay double subscriptions for the next ten years and to reduce their down-down targets at the Grimethorpe round of the Kyoto alcohol talks in 2018.
Our great hashes are at the heart of our regional social lives.
At this time of sobriety and recession, mismanagement is committed to overhauling the infrastructure of our hash so we can be first to exploit the green shoots of intoxication.
Our decisions include funding to bring superfast broadband to 99% of hashers’ homes by the year 2013 and to provide basic training in social networking skills for all Pissed Up Pensioners.
This will create a living, alcoholically vibrant hash and will ensure that Candyfloss finishes the new YH3 website before Brussels Interhash 2014 has been and gone.
This is a reminder to us all that we must not price Yorkshire hashes out of the beer economy.
Let’s be clear:
Burdening hashes with unnecessary rules and management goals leads directly to two-fingered responses from most hares, the summary de-bagging of all mismanagement and a bloated, poorer hash bureaucracy.
Mismanagement will cut unnecessary red tape by:
- Enforcing YH3’s one year fixed-term re-election policy in perpetuity;
- Ignoring all interference, petty rules and general whinging arising from any source during our tenure;
- Acknowledging this AGPU’s absolute and singular authority to sack us if we have screwed up, become sober or have been a general pain in the arse during the previous 12 months.
Urgent action is required to sustain Yorkshire’s rapidly aging and burgeoning hash population.
But we must live within our means.
The best way to support hard-working low income hashers is to take them out of YH3 Subs altogether.
To achieve this, the burden must fall on the bloated baby-booming generation that has freeloaded off YH3’s 1991 Nash Hash profits for over two decades. You know who you are.
Starting in the year 2013, we will increase the PUPs eligibility Age from 70 to 75. This will ensure that the old gits make sufficient YH3 contributions to keep them in beer and sandwiches well into their 90s.
This will, however, not affect anyone within 2 months of receiving their PUP’s eligibility today.
YH3 hare unemployment has been rising for seven years and is now unacceptably high.
It’s little comfort that this problem is affecting all hashes today.
The problem is – of course – primarily a lack of hares.
But it is made worse by a lack of available trail dates.
Too many hare raisers are qualifying after eleven years of compulsory education without the basics they need to manage the diary.
Our new Hare Raising Contract addresses both problems.
We now offer at least one trail to every YH3 hasher who has not laid a trail in the preceding three months.
After five months there will be weekly signing into the YH3 trail diary.
After nine months, we will pay for a trail laying apprenticeship with a private sector hash such as Scarborough Happy, Lune Valley or Plympton.
When all else fails, however, the YH3 AGPU AGM will be empowered to place the Hare Raiser’s diary into Special Measures.
Mismanagement must preserve the International Hash intoxication ethic and guard against its perversion from any cause at all times.
The past year has witnessed the YH3 phone and Facebook hacking scandals, which have led directly to the closure of the Daily Hash newspaper this year after 74 years of uninterrupted and unadulterated bollocks.
To protect ourselves, we must repel even the smallest hint of sleaze from every corner of mismanagement.
As ever, the most pressing threat is from Lancashire.
A review of archive material from Lick It Up, Wheels and Henry Root’s photo library has found that Ever Ready and his self-styled, so-called advisor – Shaggy Plug – travelled on official hash business and shared a room together no fewer than 83 times during the last 10 years.
Completely unauthorized and unqualified, it also appears that Shaggy posed as a Yorkshire RA and ambassador for at least three years during this period. The potential damage to YH3’s “no bloody incomers” policy from this incident alone is huge.
To restore our reputation, mismanagement has doubled the border fence height around the Keighley sector and is refusing visa applications from all Black Pudding hashers until further notice.
I have outlined the tough choices needed to secure YH3’s pre-eminence and beer supplies for the foreseeable future.
We are a mismanagement with a plan both to deal with our hash’s debts and to keep our blood alcohol levels high;
A mismanagement committed to preserve trails and make the elderly pay their way;
A mismanagement determined to ignore red tape and whinging idiots;
Low-cost oblivion throughout the tough times – that’s what we offer.
And I commend this statement to the Hash.
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