RUN REVIEW - Sunday 5th August
Rambo, Longhose & Headbutt arrived early at Bolton Abbey picnic site to stake out sports fields, etc. making 100% sure all referees, umpires and camera crews were equipped with whistles, stop watches, starting pistols, etc. Bacon, sausages & black pudding got slapped onto the grill while they waited for the athletes. Arriving in their dozens, all bristling with enthusiasm in anticipation of the forthcoming challenge, expectations ran high from officials to competitors alike.
Oh yes, you could sense the hype in the air, this was the big one! The Hash Annual Odd Ball Olympics Competition. With picture perfect weather and the River Wharfe bubbling furiously alongside, the day got started off to a mass hash run.
At the sound of the gun, the intrepid, well seasoned party animals headed off from the sports field towards Cavendish Pavilion.
Paddy O’Day & co-driver arrived late and not wanting to miss any action, swerved into a vacant parking spot & caught up with the tail-enders. Wheels and his goose, Janice, also in hot pursuit, blew up the head gasket on his Merc in his haste.
Considering the overnight deluge had all but wiped out any evidence of trail markings, a good pace was maintained and the budding hashers braved all the nettles The Strid could deliver. The forest ferns had done themselves proud, standing tall in the Valley of Desolation, shadowed by the tower of Simon’s Seat. Well we almost had to get up Simon’s Seat to find Wet Nix, who had disappeared in the ferns.
Little Striffy couldn’t contain himself and decided to tombstone down the bank and into the river - practicing his breaststroke (not with Rivet though). Just as we were to assemble the search party, Wet Nix reappeared from within the thicket.
Paddy O’Day forced her grandson into an early Olympic career, dragging the poor tot past Nanny Crag to witness a superb rendition of Father Abraham. The pack took a photo call on top of a cascading waterfall and then eagerly clambered back towards the Pav.
Going off trail we cut across a stream at Pickles Gill and here our mountaineering techniques were tested till birthing onto the footpath above. Passing the money tree, we made good progress to Bolton Abbey - elegantly gracing the skyline. Access to the bridge was prohibited for hashers - some lily livered reprobates went deaf just about then! The hardier bunch took to the submerged stepping stones or simply waded through the rapids to the on in.
Back at Olympic village contestants were tucking in to energy giving snacks in preparation of the opening ceremony. In keeping with tradition, some of the athletes utterances lead to excuses why they were unable to compete for too long as they had more pressing engagements - Ann Berlin had to have her driver, Ms Joan Collins, take her home by 2pm. Was it the adrenaline? Or was it being on the winning team? Who knows, because at 6pm, JC was still there, all covered in egg yolk and flour. Ann Berlin didn’t seem worse for wear either - she had a great tan building up.
In the absence of the GM & RA, proceedings kicked off with Headbutt sorting out the sinners - all those flash bastards who arrived in open top fast cars! Instead of the usual elixir, it was felt a more appropriate punishment would be going for the apple (with mouth only), dropping it in a bowl and finishing off with a chocolate smarty in a bowl of flour. Some great mugs had their photos taken.
Head of Olympic proceedings, Rambo, divided the masses into 4 teams: Clubs, Diamonds, Spades & Hearts. In his pre-event speech, Rambo was adamant that any use of performance enhancing drugs or underhand tactics would not be tolerated & teams found guilty would be disqualified (There were a few miscreants. If only they had listened. The dirty cheating bastards, you know who you were. May your armpits be infested with a thousand fleas!)
The games were going great guns, sack races, three legged relay, egg throwing, tossing the caber, tug-o-war, hoops and balls and other things.
It was evident early in proceedings, that the Diamond team, due to their superior athleticism and tuned physiques, were going to be the team to beat. Longhose, the modest team captain, was heard saying that “the ultimate aim of the games lies not in winning or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of its participants” (bollocks).
At the rostrum, Diamonds were declared clear winners - Longhose, Junior, Little Stiffy, Headbutt, Joan Collins & Daniel - well done!
To the other losers and cheats (Clueless) - raise your game.
OnOn to next year’s challenge.
Great run Rambo!
Longhose & Headbutt
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